The term “quiet quitting” has become popular in recent years in reference to employment. It’s typically when someone does the bare minimum needed for their job, but they don’t go beyond that to excel or worry about their job responsibilities or performance when they’re outside of the workplace.
There’s also something called a “quiet divorce” – sometimes known as a “silent divorce.” That’s when one or both spouses basically “check out” of the marriage. They may still love each other and rarely, if ever, fight. They talk, but their conversations revolve almost solely around the children, paying the bills and other practical matters.
One professor who studies relationships explains that in a quiet divorce, couples are “really not putting in effort toward the marriage” but “not necessarily taking steps to end it.”
Some people “quiet divorce” years before they go on to actually separate and divorce. Others remain in the marriage for financial and other practical reasons or out of fear of the unknown or being on their own after years as a couple. Still others recognize what’s happening and commit to saving the relationship.
One woman noted in a recent Washington Post article that when she realized she was the only one putting any effort into the marriage, “I just stopped taking responsibility for managing the health of the relationship.”
Signs of quiet divorce
The signs that a couple has quietly divorced include the following:
- They are essentially just roommates and maybe co-parents.
- There’s little or no sex or other physical contact, and they don’t miss it.
- They rarely care enough about something they disagree on to fight about it.
- They increasingly build their life around other relationships.
This last one doesn’t necessarily mean adultery. It often involves friend groups, colleagues, golf or tennis buddies or others who share similar interests or fulfills their social and emotional needs.
What to do next
One clinical psychologist notes, “The opposite of love is not anger. The opposite of love is indifference. When disappointment turns into resignation, that’s when a quiet divorce often begins.”
When spouses recognize that they have already quietly divorced, they can then determine what the next steps are for them and ultimately decide whether they will ultimately be happier and more fulfilled if they don’t remain in the marriage.
Actual divorces that follow years of a quiet divorce can be very amicable. Nonetheless, when someone begins moving toward ending their marriage or believes their spouse is, it’s smart to get individual legal guidance as early as possible, given all that is at stake.